Regrets? I’ve had a few.
But then again too few to mention…
Growing up you have dreams about where you will be as you approach middle life. I guess mine was the usual western ideal — 2.2 kids, a Volvo, a mortgage mostly or completely paid off and looking forward to a comfortable retirement, with maybe some grandchildren along the way.
Well, despite a good start, I can tell you that in my case this could not be further from the truth.
Instead, I find myself married with one child — true, a great blessing in itself — living in rented accommodation and sleeping on the couch because the only room with a door in this apartment big enough and private enough for a bed is given over to our 11-yr-old daughter.
So how did a military pilot veteran and degree-qualified engineer end up in this position?
A combination of fortune and misfortune I guess. Choices and decisions. Some may say that they were foolish or misguided but I don’t regret any of them, not now that I’ve finally made peace with myself. But it wasn’t always like that. Sometimes I really wondered about the things I had done and why I had done them.
Don’t get me wrong, we are far from being destitute but the possibility hangs over us like the proverbial Sword of Damocles. Despite having some savings, like many people nowadays, we struggle along and sometimes it’s not very pretty… like right now.
The truth is, we’ve been struggling along for over 12 years now, ever since the previous financial crisis when I lost my business and was forced to sell our home. Ever since then, we’ve been living in rented accommodation with 4 moves along the way, 2 of which were unplanned and forced upon us. The choice to remain in rented accommodation was partly our own and partly out of necessity.
Prior to that we had it all — successful business, large house, float-plane on the lake nearby. Life was sweet…
…and then it wasn’t. In fact, it was truly awful.
I lost it all — the business , the plane, the house, friends & family — long story, for another post someday – and I slipped into depression. I also became overweight, addicted to alcohol and was literally seconds away from losing my life… by my own hands… when my wife, unknowingly, saved me by telling me that she was pregnant.
Our daughter is the reason I had the strength to carry on and still be here to write this story, right now, and every time I look at her I give silent thanks to her presence in this world, for without her I may not have made it.
Being unemployed at age 45 in a foreign but not an entirely strange country, with a complex language and a very distinct and unique set of skills meant that I was unlikely to find work — believe me, I tried! — and so I decided to concentrate on raising our daughter while the wife went out to work to try to build a career and put bread on the table.
I also decided to make some radical changes in my life. I quit drinking altogether, lost weight and started strength training. I got into shape and started feeling better about myself. I went out hiking in the wilds, staying out overnight in all weathers, even in the freezing cold and snow of winter. In fact, that became my favourite season for hiking. To make fire I would challenge myself by having no matches, using only a fire steel to make some sparks.
I started to learn all about metabolic health, began writing about it in a blog and started a personal training business focusing on strength training, lifestyle, nutrition and weight loss. I lost over 20kg in weight and became a somebody on social media. I even did some interviews on YouTube. I discovered stoicism and became an avid reader. Slowly, my life started to turn around.
But just when life was beginning to feel good again, along came the pandemic and destroyed everything.
I lost nearly all of my clients and, as we exited the pandemic, it was clear that my business was already failing. Here we go again!
If 10 years ago was bad, then this year was worse, way worse. Another forced and hasty move into an apartment barely large enough to hold all of our things was followed by another slide back into depression. Truth is, it never really went away. It was always lurking in the background.
Finally, my wife had a complete nervous breakdown when both my depression and her acute work-related stress got the better of her. I had to take her to the emergency psychiatric ward not once, but twice. In fact, there was a point when I thought she would never come out. She did come home but it was clear she wasn’t fit to work and had to take some time off.
That was the beginning of this year and now we’re already half-way through and the world has a new war and it looks very much as if we’re all heading towards a global economic crisis with all the consequences that that entails.
However, I am glad to say that my wife is back at work and receiving help. She’s not the kind of person to suffer from depression although she suffers form OCD but that too is now mostly under control, enough for her to lead a largely normal life. She also gave me an ultimatum.
She told me that I should finally admit to the world that I have depression and get some help. If I didn’t, she would leave me. She simply couldn’t take it any more. I had no choice and so I went to get some outside help.
This was the first time in my life I had really opened up to anyone except my wife about my problems and struggle with depression. Prior to that I considered myself a loser for even admitting to having this kind of problem. I always thought it was something that happens to others and never to me. I was deeply ashamed of my problems and kept them hidden from the outside world and I became isolated and inward looking.
However, getting help was a good move and something I should have done years ago.
Admitting to having a problem is your first and greatest step. After that, it gets easier.
Finally, after sending out dozens of applications and receiving an equal number of rejections, I found a job in an engineering-related field. The pay is terrible but it’s a new start and brings in some much-needed extra cash. It looks as if we’ve finally managed to find an even keel, at least for now.
I guess some of you are wondering how our daughter is coping with all of this. Remarkably well is the short answer. Despite all the turmoil, we have deliberately and consciously minimised the impact on her and she is leading a mostly happy and normal childhood, as normal as things can be under the circumstances. She has a large circle of friends, is popular at school and achieved top grades this year. We’ve been honest and open with her about everything and like most kids, she seems to take everything in her stride.
Adversity will either make or break you and your family. I’m glad to say it has been the making of this family and we are now closer than ever. The whole is greater than the sum of the individual parts.
I am telling you this story for many reasons, one of which is to let you know a bit about the person behind the Busy Mind. The other is that writing is therapeutic. It’s like talking to someone who doesn’t know you, like having your own psychologist that you can talk to at any time.
The other reason is that I hope it helps people to find some hope and inspiration. Life is full of adversity, hard times and uncertainty but you can find a way out of them if you’re prepared to look and ask for help.
We’re not out of the woods yet but we’re on our way and I’ve decided to try and forge an entirely new career as a writer, something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time now. This is an important part of my therapy and road to recovery.
Like ol’ blue eyes, I’m doing it my way!
